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TIRES
& SEX
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
---One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year
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 FLAT
TIRE & PROGRAMMERS.
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator
are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a
flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten
minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's
guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our
drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn
off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the
problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said:
"Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then
get in and try again."
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REJECTED
SLOGANS FOR FIRESTONE TIRES
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new
Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Best Blow Job In Town!"
1. "You can't recall a better tire." |
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FLAT
TIRE
"Driving
somewhere along the Massachusetts North Shore in the early
1900s, Bishop William Lawrence happened upon a driver swearing
profusely as he struggled to pry a flat tire from the rim.
'Have you tried prayer, my good man?' gently inquired the
bishop - upon which the poor fellow, in the desperation of
his plight, fell on his knees, clasped his hands, and lifted
his eyes heavenwards. He then picked up the iron, inserted
it, and off popped the tire. 'Well, I'll be Goddamned,' said
the bishop."
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FLAT
TIRE
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.,
that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with
some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty
partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke
until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided
to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they
missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend
with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately,
they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't
get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed
they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated
and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at
the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate
rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They
looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something
simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought
at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going
to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the
page.
On the
second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
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TIRE
I had a dream you were a tire last night.
I woke up and you were bald.
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FLAT
TIRE
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the
airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver,
I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded
to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model
saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
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CHANGING
TIRES
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.
"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says
she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold,
he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again
at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job
and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the
ignition.
She
looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"
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FLAT
TIRE
This man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire. A police car
stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help. The man
says he's doing OK and doesn't need help.
The officer takes a walk around the car to make
sure everything is OK. He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the
passenger seat. When he enquires about the knife, the man says ít's
his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus.
The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act
to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his
routine.
Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives
by. The driver says to his passenger, "Man ... I am glad I stopped
drinking when I did. It's amazing what they make them do these days at
those roadside sobriety checks."
FLAT
TIRE
A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving
in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of
them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into
town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at
the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before
you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of
the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will
be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No,
no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the
trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the
flat one!"
AND
NOW... HUMAN BRANDING
The Globe and Mail newspaper in Toronto called it “a marketing stunt
that takes branding to a new extreme.” What’s the news? Humans
have now been branded. Four Canadian citizens have legally changed their
surname from “Dunlop” to “Dunlop-Tire.” Each wacky
Mr. or Ms. Dunlop-Tire is pocketing $6,250 – their share of the
$25,000 in prize money offered by Goodyear Canada Inc., which markets
the Dunlop tire brand in Canada. For the company, this brash stunt has
generated more publicity than half a dozen ad campaigns, and cost a relative
pittance. When the company announced the contest, the story was picked
up by international media and became part of a bit on Conan O’Brien’s
late night TV show.
Sure, marketers have slapped their names on everything from coffee mugs
to sports stadiums. But human beings?
Jason Dunlop-Tire of Winnipeg doesn’t seem
to mind being a walking advertisement. Do people laugh at his name? “I
don’t care,” replies the 24-year-old. “I have the money
and they don’t.” Traci Dunlop-Tire, who lives in Calgary,
said changing her name wasn’t a big deal. As a Dunlop, she was already,
shall we say, tired of tire jokes. “I did it for the money,”
she said, “but for the amount of laughter I’ve gotten, it’s
been well worth it.”
Goodyear has plans to get maximum mileage from its
four new members of the family. The company has the right to features
them in advertising and other promotions. Even so, the new big wheels
are free to change their name back to plain old Dunlop at any time, with
no penalty.
We sense a dangerous trend here. Is the world ready
for Suzie Starbucks-Coffee?
Kenneth Kraft-Macaroni? Michael Dell-Computer?
FLAT
TIRE
While driving down a dirt road in my pickup truck in a rural agricultural
part of Iowa with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered that I had a
flat tire. I got out of my truck and had the donkey stick its head under
the bumper to lift the truck. A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's
a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"
I replied, "It's a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack ass."
PUNCTURED
EGO?
While cruising in his brand new $200,000 Mercedes-Benz
armoured car in August 2002, South African Zulu king Goodwill Zwelithini
was dismayed to learn that one of its bulletproof tires had been punctured...
by a nail on the road.
[The cost of a new tire? More than $2,000.]
FLAT
TIRE
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane
asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the
hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested
that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the
fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked his profusely and said,
"I don't know why you are in that place."
The patient said,
"I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
LIAR
A skydiver returned home late one evening. His wife
was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained
what had happened to him on the way home from the drop zone:
"I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A woman
was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire
wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home OK,
so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me
in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what
was happening we were in her bed having sex. Finally I realized how late
it was and I left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so
late."
"Don't lie to me," his wife said. "You stayed and made
another jump, didn't you?"
VIKINGS
FLAT TIRE
Q:
How many Vikings does it take to change a flat tire?
A: One, unless it's a blow-out, then the whole team shows up!
WORTHY
A guy just died and he's at
the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through
this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the
Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I
can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you
never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY
GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment
and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway
and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down
my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about
50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader
of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed
a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and
yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're
all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all
a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says,
'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
INAPROPRIATE
LANGUAGE
A group of nuns were traveling
in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change
it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately,
a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They
gratefully accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the
car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Sir, that is inappropriate
language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset,
but must you use such language?"
"My apologies, Sister,"
he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Please, sir, we would
ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If
changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if
you didn't help us."
"I'm sorry, Sister, but
I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.
"Well," said the
nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear
Lord, help me'."
Once more, the trucker attempted
to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..."
but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."
At that, the car miraculously
rose into the air all by itself.
Staring in amazement, the
nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
TIRE
MARKS
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back?
A:From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17
(no under 17's) rating?
A: Went home and got 16 friends.
Q: How does
a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: Did you
hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
SAXPLAYER
How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?
Four - one to change the tire, one to work the jack, and the other two
to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.
DRIVING
ON THE INTERSTATE (1-24)
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the radio that
there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car,"
said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
GOOD
YEAR JOKE...
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
TIRED
GYNECOLOGIST
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.
He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school
for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their
final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect
working order. The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find
he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well,"
said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart.
Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And
then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
TIGER
WOODS AND OLE
Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a gas station near Duluth while on vacation.
Ole, putting air in his tire, greets him in a typical Scandinavian manner,
unaware who the golf pro is. "Top o' da morning to you young fella!"
As Tiger leans
over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the
ground. "What are dey son?", asks Ole. "They're called
tees," replies Tiger. "And what would dey be for den?",
inquires Ole. "They're for resting my balls on while I am driving,"
says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus",says Ole, "Dem boys at Volvo
just tink of everything!"
WHAT
CYCLISTS SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
This trail is a blast
(I hope you have good medical insurance)
I think I might have a flat
tire
(Slow down, will ya?)
I definitely have a flat tire
(Help me change it)
I don't have a low enough
gear
(I've gained 5 pounds)
I've decided to buy a lighter
bike
(I've gained 10 pounds)
I'm taking up clog dancing
(I've gained 25 pounds)
I'm carbo loading
(Pass the ice cream)
I'm tapering
(I haven't ridden in 2 months)
The rebound was off, so I
modified the damping. But then the elastomers were too dense, so I changed
the oil and got rid of the stiction
(I have a new suspension fork and you don't!)
If you're a good bike handler,
you don't need to wear a helmet
(I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me)
Nobody needs a dual-suspension
mountain bike
(I can't afford a dual-suspension mountain bike)
Dual suspension is the only
way to go
(I just dropped 3 months' salary on a dual-suspension mountain bike)
She's a hammer
(She's faster than me)
He's a geek
(I'm faster than him)
I bonked
(All I took for a 4-hour ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old OJ
and a moldy Twinkie)
If you don't crash, you're
not going fast enough, dude!
(I crash a lot)
I don't own a car
(I'm a better person than you)
Why doesn't somebody do something
about all these potholes ?
(Why doesn't somebody else do something about all these potholes?)
I do all my own bike maintenance
(When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears)
Thanks for waiting
(Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face)
Hey, did you guys hear about
those new 1.8 gram carbon-fiber quick-release skewers with titanium springs?
(I am a very lonely person)
This section of trail looks
doable
(You first, sucker)
I want to ride my bike to
work, but...
(I don't want to ride my bike to work)
He's such a wheelsucker.
(I can't drop him)
She's always half-wheeling
me.
(I can't keep up with her)
The town-line sprint is 100
yards beyond the next bend
(The town-line sprint is 200 yards beyond the next bend)
Been riding much?
(How fit are you ?)
Not much. You?
(My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14)
Nah, I've been really busy.
(My body fat is 2%)
Well, let's take it easy today.
(Ready, set go!)
Hold on, there's something
wrong with my bike.
(Let's stop so I can rest)
My tires suck!
(This climb is killing me!)
Can you clear that drop-off?
(I can, but I bet you can't)
It's getting dark.
(I wanna go home)
This bike is a piece of shit!
(I can't ride worth shit)
I think I broke my arm.
(There's a little bruise on my arm and I don't want to ride anymore)
I'd jump that but I don't
want to tweak my new rims.
(I'm too chicken to try)
This hill is easy.
(This trail's pretty tough but I'm gonna try and lose you on it)
That trail is boring.
(I know I can't make it)
Last one down is buying.
(I'll make you feel like a loser and get a free beer too!)
My bike was acting funny.
(Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!)
He's pretty good.
(I know I'm better than him)
He sucks!
(He's better than me)
That thing's
a piece of shit.
(I wish I had one...)
A
Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided
to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long
and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On
the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.
The
Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management
was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their
conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and l person steering,
while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So
American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount
of money for a second opinion.
They
advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough
people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the Americans
rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4
steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and l assistant
superintendent steering manager.
They
also implemented a new performance system that would give the l person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Towing
Team Quality First Program” with meetings, dinners and free pens
for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and
other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The
next year the Japanese won by two miles.
There
was this hillbilly who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A
passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man
replied, "I have a flat tire."
In
response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The
man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
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